Christy R. Simpson, LCSW

Making Love Last over the Long-Haul…What Science has to say about it

As a therapist who provides couple’s counseling, I am committed to staying abreast of the current research on relationships and their struggles and endings.  As such, I’ve been concentrating a lot of my readings in this area on the research that’s out there.  I mean, why should the “hard sciences,” like mathematics and statistics, get all the empirical lime light?  So, fueled with a desire to maintain clinical competence driving my efforts, I sought out the most reliable source in the field of marital relationships and found an often cited researcher, operating in the state of Washington named Dr. Gottman.

John Gottman, Ph.D. is one of the most respected clinical researchers in the arena of marital relations and parenting and his reputation is not in without merit, as he’s written over 40 books and 190 journal articles on the subjects.   His 30 years of research has helped him hone his predictive skills, so well, that he can predict divorce, or relational dissolution for the high brows out there, within a 91% accuracy rating simply by analyzing approximately five minutes of interactions between two members of a couple in his “love lab.”  (Think house with hidden cameras, two way mirrors and heart monitors attached to the participants way before Dr. Phil jumped on the band wagon.)  This “love lab” has enabled researches to literally sit back and watch real-time interactions thus, effectively identifying the positive and negative patterns that make or break a marriage.

So anyway, I figured this guy has something to add to the national discourse on our rate of divorce, which is approximately 60% for first time marriages.  So here goes.  Maybe we can all learn something about intimacy and its pitfalls.   (By the way, same gender couples have also been embraced by Dr. Gottman and his team and he posits that their interactional patterns are quite similar.) 

Gottman’s book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," is a seminal book for clinicians and lay people alike.  Essentially, it’s one big summary of his scientifically based findings and it’s a fascinating read.  Take for instance the proven harbingers of breakups:  harsh startups, the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), flooding, body language, failed repair attempts and bad memories.  If you or yours are doing these things you need to stop.  NOW.  They are deadly and they destroy relationships.

On a lighter note, Dr. Gottman found that “emotionally intelligent marriages” are based on deep friendship and the mindful, daily application of the proven interventions of partings, reunions, admiration, affection, and weekly dates, not simply the ace-in-the-hole formerly identified saviors of “good communication” and “fair conflict resolution skills,” that  have been regurgitated for years by counselors.  Why not bypass the muck and go straight to the proven measures for saving your partnership?  Five magic hours a week, mindfully applying the proven interventions, can make all the difference in the state of your relationship. 

Call today for a supportive guide.  Your partner is worth it.